I know this is suppose to be all about football or my experience with football but I thought I would make an exception this one time. With being hurt and not being able to fully participate with football I've had a lot of time to think, and even though I've had a very positive attitude with my return I couldn't help but think about some things that have been troubling me in my personal life. With all the training and praticing and studying the play book I didn't have time for a personal life or to deal with my demons from the past. But now with not a lot to do they've all come to the surface. Believe me, I've tried all the old tricks to try and get rid of them even the bad habits and of course nothing has worked.

Maybe this is a sign or the reason I got hurt, maybe this was suppose to happen so I finally deal with everything I decided to ignore. If it wasn't for me getting hurt there were a couple of people I talked to about things that happened in the past that I didn't think i'd ever get to talk to. I never thought I'd get to have closure with someone that meant a lot to me, and now that I got closure I feel like I'm starting to be me again. Someone I thought was gone a long time ago. Unfortunately it means I have to deal with all the issues I had before and especially with my biggest demon of being diagnosed with depression all those years ago. I thought if I ignored it I wouldn't have to deal with it but all that does is just get worse and worse. I don't know what life has in store for me or what all this exactly means. But I do know I'm tired of running away from my problems and struggling in life. It seems like I've been doing all the right things in my football career but all the wrong things in my life. It feels like I've lost my way into a dark place that I've been struggling to get out of for the past 4 years. And now it seems like I'm at that defining moment in life where if I don't change now, if I keep ignoring everything I've bottled up then there is no going back, I will be consumed in this misery that i've created for myself becuase I couldn't deal with my problems.

I feel like I'm starting to forget who I was and what I stood for, my morals and values have changed drastically and it bothers me a lot. I don't want it to be too late because I really hate the person I'm becoming. I need to start focusing on my life as much as I focus on football. I need to work as hard as I do in the gym and on the field but its a lot harder to deal with because its mentally exhausting and I need to be able to focus on other things as well. I do hope this is the turn around for me, who knows maybe it will help with my football career too. Maybe this is the one thing I have to deal with before I can live all my dreams or at least some of them.